it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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