Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
