And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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