why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
