Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
