so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
