morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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