Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize