You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
