Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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