I have demons in me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
