Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Help. Why am I so naked?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
