I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i love accidental penises.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
