did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
pray to the hookup gods
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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