i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
