My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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