I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
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started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.