Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!