I wish they made helmets for livers.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
