I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
