i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
