Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
