I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
