I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The chlamydia really affected his face.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize