oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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