all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
