Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
