theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
