She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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