I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
