I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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