it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
