Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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