my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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