Ketchup is God's man juice
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
