Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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