You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
