I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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