Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
