whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
