Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
