my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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