Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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