Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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