U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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