one two three fourrrrnication!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
