I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
