but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
