I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You pole danced in your parka.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
