how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
