I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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