wakey wakey hands off snakey
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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