A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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