My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
