Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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