it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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