Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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