oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
