Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
