I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
