so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
